My husband Jason and I were out for a rare night with friends on Saturday when we found out that one of the couples who was there are newly pregnant. They are expecting their third child while the woman’s sister and good friend (who were also there with their husbands) are both trying to conceive. The latter is even going the IVF route.
It wasn’t announced that night for a few reasons. One, we were there to celebrate someone’s birthday. Two, she is only five weeks along, and three, the woman who is pregnant was trying to take her sister and friend’s feelings into consideration.
But when you mix joyous news with alcohol it’s bound to not stay a secret for too long.
The drinks continued to flow throughout the night and the news eventually got out. And as I suspected, the sister of the woman who is pregnant was more hurt that she didn’t know. Of course that’s not to say there are not jealousy pangs going on behind closed doors, I am sure there are. In both respects, I can’t blame her.
It was considerate of my friend to be mindful of her sister and friend’s feelings who are trying to conceive but it was more awkward when she was trying to squelch her news then if she had just come out with it.
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I have no idea why some people are so lucky and for others it takes a bit more work. It is without question, unfair, but is there any real way to spare someone’s feelings?
Tell me your thoughts on the subject matter in the comments.
I’m so glad you had an evening out! It sounds like it was a fun time (at least until the cat slipped out of the bag). Hopefully it wasn’t so awkward that it spoiled the night.
Based on my own experience, and the experience of others I’ve met in similar circumstances, there is an infertility etiquette of sorts. It’s generally considered caring for the pregnant friend/family member to deliver the news personally, privately, and in advance of the public announcement. Even better, if it’s a planned event, let the friend know ahead of time that you’re trying to conceive and ask how she would like to hear the news when the time comes. It’s awful to find out about a close friend’s pregnancy from someone else, or to be in a large group of people when the news is heard for the first time. I’ve also been in a situation where everyone was told but me and my husband. Not only did I have the “normal” painful reaction when I finally heard (from someone else), but I felt excluded and unimportant, on top of everything else.
I think – with infertility as well as many other circumstances – people want to be kind and caring and sensitive. They haven’t walked that road, though, so they aren’t sure what to do. And unfortunately, infertility is such a painful, hormonally-charged situation, it’s going to hurt no matter what. I think it’s just a matter of delivering the news in a way that allows the infertile woman to work through her own feelings before having to deal with reacting to it publicly.
Just my two cents! Hope that Mylo slept better last night!!
Hey Jennifer… that’s great two cents. I had no idea, so thanks for sharing. Yea, I don’t think the whole thing was handled right. I think the pregnant friend would have liked to share the news with her sister beforehand and she probably should have, but the husband was a bit more flamboyant about it. I think men, especially men who have never been on the tumultuous TTC journey are not as sensitive about it because they don’t have a clue. It’s too bad my pregnant friend didn’t discuss with her husband ahead of time as to when would be the appropriate time to share it with family and friends. ~Ree
I can see both sides of this, but I agree with you that it would have been less uncomfortable if they had just told their family in private and talked it out as best they could, rather than having it come out at a group outing. Honesty is the best policy, right?
I personally struggle with infertility, and it seems like EVERYONE around me is making the big pregnancy announcement. Those that I am close to are reluctant to tell me, I guess for fear that I’ll have a big melt down. (I usually do, but I at least wait until no one is around.) I prefer for someone to tell me their big news in a private manner. An email, a text, a written card is good. That way I don’t have to act really happy for them while trying to keep myself composed. I’ve found that once I’ve had my meltdown and stomping “it’s not fair” fit in the privacy of my own home I can truely be happy for the person and wish them well. I can’t tell you how many phones calls have ended with me pretending that I’m getting another call just so I can get off the phone before I totally lose it.
Hey Allison… it kills me to read this. I can’t even begin to imagine how painful it must be. It makes perfect sense that there is an etiquette of sorts – I think an email, a text, a written card is not too much to ask for. I’ve definitely learned a lot from you and Jennifer and other wonderful women who have been leaving heartfelt comments on this blog. I only wish your pain wasn’t the reason why I’ve learned all this – you know what I mean, I hope. ~Ree
Ugh. That is always a touchy subject — D*mn those martinis! I see the point to wait, especially if you are only 5 weeks but shouldn’t the sister be the first to know?
Following from MBC … pop over to http://www.southernmomentum.com … we are a collaboration of GenXer moms putting a witty spin on motherhood.
Hi Stephanie… d*amn those martinis is right! This whole fertility thing is really so unfair. Love Southern Momentum. What fun! Look forward to following. ~Ree