I feel compelled to write something about my unexpected relationship with breastfeeding. Just this week I read a great, balanced post about breastfeeding on a mommy blog I like, and then today, one of Hollywood’s newest moms, Kourtney Kardashian, blogged that she just stopped nursing her 15 month old son.
I was about eight weeks pregnant when my family began asking if I would be breastfeeding my baby. I say “asking,” but really it was more like telling. They were quick to advise me about the health benefits of breastfeeding and about the bonding, too. I told them that I hadn’t given it much thought, and that I’d need to do my own research.
The truth is that I can’t stand being told what to do. The other truth is that I was scared of breastfeeding. It was one thing to squeeze out a baby the size of a watermelon and it was a whole other thing to put my breasts to work, too. And if I were to be really honest, I was terrified I would fail at it. I was more fearful of failing at breastfeeding then I was of giving birth, but now that I have done both, I can say that I should have feared the latter, more.
Soon after I gave birth to a healthy baby boy we named Mylo, my midwife introduced him to my breasts and we fumbled quite a bit. I was in awe of what just happened, of what just came out of me and I remember wanting to be on my Blackberry more than I wanted to breastfeed. And because Mylo was exhausted from the whole birthing experience I turned him over to his father while I got to work fielding calls, emails, texts and Facebook. What a mistake that was.
While my son did suckle a little bit during his first couple of hours of life, it was not enough. The doctors on the maternity ward informed me the next day that his bilirubin level was dangerously high and that we would have to spend another night.
So while the first night in the hospital was exciting because my husband roomed in with the baby and me, the second night was just me and a cast iron, industrial size hospital breast pump machine. Jason went home to our menagerie and Mylo spent the night in the NICU under the lights. The indescribable high I felt from labor, birth and the fact that this incredible little person had just entered my life was gone, and a cold hard reality about my new found responsibilities had set in.
I woke every two hours to pump my breasts only to fill the NICU bottles with droplets of my colostrum. My nipples were the size of my big toes and I was in pain. At the behest of the NICU nurse I mixed my colostrum with formula to help Mylo’s bilirubin level go down. By the next day it had gone down a little and we were reluctantly discharged.
Breastfeeding my son in the hospital on day two of his life.
Only I am to blame for how breastfeeding began and believe me, I feel great regret about it. But I also think I have redeemed myself. After the bilirubin setback, I made breastfeeding a priority for at least six months.
When we got home from the hospital I walked around the apartment in an ugly nursing bra feeding Mylo almost every hour until my milk came in on the fourth day. I kept a journal. I fed him until he dozed off and until I dozed off. Eat, sleep, feed. That’s all I did. I had new found respect for our four-legged friends.
But breastfeeding did not come without its challenges. The first few weeks of breastfeeding were met with mind-numbing headaches almost the instant as my son began to suckle. My midwife thought I was dehydrated (but I was and always have been a BIG water drinker). I didn’t know how I could possibly continue until Mylo’s pediatrician and my lactation consultant confirmed it was a common hormone-related side effect that would work itself out. Three weeks into breastfeeding the headaches were gone for good.
After my painful experience with the hospital pump, I feared my Medela Swing Breast Pump and put off using it for weeks. (Little did I know that it was 1,000 times gentler than the hospital pump.) Then there was the bucket loads of spit-up to manage and the reflux that Mylo was diagnosed with.
After Mylo’s two-month appointment with the pediatrician I proclaimed to my husband, “two months down, four months to go!” But the challenges that accompany breastfeeding have a way of working themselves out. The pain goes away, you find a rhythm, the baby’s stomach matures and the reflux goes away, the spit up becomes less, and, dare I say… you grow to love it. I sure did.
It also helped that I found comfort and friendship in an army of new moms in my Brooklyn neighborhood who were struggling with nursing issues of their own. I have breastfed Mylo in public with 20 or more women at a time, in movie theaters, in my car, in dressing rooms, at restaurants and even in bars.
A little over a month ago I wrote a post in which I called breastfeeding a 2 1/2 year old “strange.” While I know that is definitely not for me, I do regret saying what I did as I know I offended many women. It was shortsighted of me to put an end date on nursing my son. For someone who didn’t even know if I wanted to breastfeed at all, I have not only passed my six month goal, but I have not set a new one.
People always have something to say about how long is too long or not long enough to breastfeed. I was one of them. But I have learned that this is a personal decision that is best left up to the baby and their mommy, as I have decided to leave it up to my son and me.
—
I would be delighted to hear about other mother’s struggles and/or fears about breastfeeding and how they overcame them.
I mentioned this to Maria, she was like “Pfff, I breastfeed for 9 years”.
To clarify about 2 1/2 years breastfeeding each of the 3 kids, 3 years apart. Have you considered multiple kids with even closer age ranges?
Roops… my hats off to women who are nursing multiples and women who have to go back to work. I am in awe of these moms. Maria is a warrior, too. I cannot imagine nine years of BF’ing, no. ~Ree
I cannot imagine nine years of BF-ing, either. I don’t know Maria, but she has my utmost respect.
That must have been so scary when Mylo was in the NICU! I’m so glad everything turned out ok.
We had a rocky beginning to our BF relationship, too. Since the twins were 36-weekers, they had little tiny mouths that didn’t make latching easy. Doodle was also tongue-tied, although we didn’t figure that out for a while. Both babies ended up jaundiced and attached to bililights, and we went to pumping only for a while. That was really hard for me, and to this day I grit my teeth when I have to pump. But after a lot of tears and much hard work we were finally able to feed “on-the-tap.” I don’t know how long we’ll continue, but I’d like to make it at least until the twins are one. Maybe even longer. I guess we’ll just play it by ear and see how it goes. (The twins have milk and egg allergies, and are sensitive to soy and gluten – so as long as I’m nursing my diet is really restricted. How much longer Mommy can hold out without pizza may also figure in.)
I also used to have very definitive ideas about how long is “too long” to breastfeed – but I find that the more I learn, the less I know, as the old adage goes!
Hey mama… I figured you would have what to contribute to this. You really don’t give yourself enough glowing credit. First, your journey to conceive, then the twins were born at 36 weeks without the full capacity to latch. You overcame both AND you are a tandem breastfeeding rock star to twins who have allergies no less! You know how many mamas would have thrown in the towel already? As for the allergies, I empathize with you. Mylo was sensitive to dairy the first few months of his life. As a vegetarian I was hopeful the dairy sensitivity would pave the way for me to stop making excuses and become vegan, but alas, as the reflux eased, I broke and became the mass consumer of cheese that I am (hello pizza and Chipotle burrito bowls). AND I should add, I lost three additional pounds in the first two weeks of eliminating dairy from my diet! Yet I am still weak. So think of it this way, not only are you keeping your babes healthy but this might just be the healthiest you’ve ever eaten, too! ~Ree
What an interesting post. I approached breastfeeding knowing that I was going to do it for sure – I just wasn’t sure how long it would be for, and I certainly didn’t know that I would undergo excruciating agony in the first 2 months due to my inverted nipples. (which are inverted no more thanks to vigorous suckling from my babies).
Although your first few hours after birth weren’t text-book optimum, try not to feel long lasting guilt over it. I tried to nurse my children immediately after they were born, every two hours, and it still took 3 days for my milk to come in (even using a big medical grade pump). Although I was nursing as best as I could, both children had high bilrubin levels as well, so it’s not necessarily something that happened to your son because you spent some time on a Blackberry.
Congratulations on having six months of breastfeeding! It’s a big achievement, and you should feel proud that you’ve been able to give your son the best you could.
Your breastfeeding post last week inspired me to write my own tale, so thank you. Even though I love the hospital where I gave birth, they definitely fell short in the breastfeeding support department. I should have mentioned that in my post but hopefully it was evident. At least I’ll know what to do and what not to do, next time! ~Ree
Hi Reedu,
Can you let me know if you have an e-mail subscription option? I don’t have a google-reader set up. I have been out of touch and missed so much great content you have here! Can you e-mail me and let me know?
I love how you re-evaluated your position. Isn’t that what we do as moms as we learn compassion for our children and ourselves? I felt so empowered by keeping my son alive through breastfeeding. I was super proud once we got the hang of it.
I also want to mention that my son experienced vomiting and green stools. Alot of nursing women don’t know this but sometimes it’s the result of what we are doing. My son starting vomiting at one month all that hard fought milk I was producing. A lactation consultant saved me and said “you are over-feeding him!” He just wanted to suck. I just gave him my pinky from time to time instead of nursing him and the vomiting stopped.
Also, he later got green, frothy stools and that resolved after I learned that he needed more fat in my milk, so I started nursing twice from one breast instead of alternating. In 5 days this issue completely went away. Thank you, google!
I just thought I would share that in case others experience that in the future. Poor little ones when they get tummy aches! I’m so glad your little one and you made it through those bumpy first days and months. They can be very bumpy, right? Great post!
Hey Heather! I think it’s so interesting to hear about moms’ trials and tribulations with breastfeeding. Between reflux, green stools, oversupply, inverted nipples… it’s just amazing what we have to go through and what we overcome and eventually rise above. On the home front I had a ton of breastfeeding support and probably would not have seen those early days through if I hadn’t. It’s no wonder why many women don’t get passed the first week. The support NEEDS to be there and unfortunately, most of the time, it’s not.
Thanks for sharing your experiences here. ~Ree
happy ICLW! I agree … we need to be able to tell our stories. I’m breastfeeding my six week old (after breastfeeding my first born for a year), and honestly, I don’t love it … it feels much more like work than the image of the beautiful mom and newborn with the perfectly flanged lips. She has a lazy latch sometimes, too, and I watch the milk drop from her mouth in horror. Hey, chickie, I think … that’s liquid gold! But I’m committed. Glad you’ve persisted … hang in there.
Hi Justine! Thanks for coming by my blog. I am curious, did you come to love breastfeeding your first born? After all, you did do it for a year. Is it just the newborn stage that’s the tough part, as I experienced? Congrats on your newest addition by the way! Looking forward to checking out your blog… ~Ree
Hi, Ree … it was more about feeling like I really wanted to give my son the benefits of breastmilk than loving breastfeeding … but it was enough to pull me through, and I was pumping at work! I’m stubborn. 😉
Congratulations on making it six months. I am breastfeeding my third baby and I have no clue as to when I will wean. Probably somewhere around two or three. When I was nursing my first, my older sister couldn’t believe I was still nursing at 18 months. Well needless to say, when she had hers, she finally weaned him around three years. The moral of the story: they’ll get weaned eventually and don’t be suprised if the first year sneaks up on you and you’re still nursing 😉